Skip to main content

Grace was born six years ago today.  I still find her 'birthday' hard to face. I think about her (and the whole experience I had with her) a lot in December. It's hard not to. Last week the words of the very well known Psalm 23 popped into my head, followed by some thoughts about them, which I scribbled down. I haven't edited them much, so it's not polished writing - just my thoughts.

Thank you to anyone who takes time to read my writing and think about her and remember her. It still means a lot.

A Thought

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me." Psalm 23

This is that. This is what this week is - the valley of the shadow of death. This week, where everything that happened that week, six years ago is relived in High Definition in my mind. The build-up - the happy bit where I was the pregnant mum of a toddler, enjoying a fairly typical run up to Christmas - a Santa visit, lunch with friends, last minute purchasing of cheese (funny the details that stick). Then the interim bit where I began to worry, wonder, make phone calls - but still hoped. Then the rest where the world crashed in and life was, to say the least, frightening and unrecognisable for a time.

So many hours, days, weeks, months and now years have flown by since then, but each year, in December, I find myself back there, facing that week like a hapless time traveller who finds themselves returning again and again to the very thing they would rather not have seen once, never mind over and over on an HD loop, whenever the earth spins and deposits us again into another December.

Yet here is the key; "I walk through the valley of the shadow of death," - death and all it's stabbing pain and longing touched my life. I held it and cradled it and looked into eyes that had been closed by it, before they could look even once upon me. And each year I walk that valley again, unable to pull myself away from the grief and sadness that valley holds.

But here is the next bit - "I will fear no evil for You are with me." As His hand held and guided me back then (however much I doubted it), it holds and guides me still. As I walk through a subtly differently-tinted valley each time, each year at a slightly greater remove from the original, He is with me. I cannot navigate it on my own, but I'm not supposed to. His rod and staff they comfort me. He guides and leads, through songs, words from the Bible, kindness, wisdom and fresh insight from people placed in my path, hugs and tears shed.

It is the valley of the shadow of death, but death itself has no power - not the original death, six years ago or the thousand fresh versions of it, the repercussions of it, I have faced since and still face. It is only a shadow, for in Him and all He has done for us, it is defeated, finished forever, leaving only light and hope.

So every time I feel the coldness and darkness of the shadow looming over my December, my Christmas, I will lean with all my might into His glorious light, waiting for the warmth of his presence and love to dispel that darkness again, until a more hope-filled and beautiful day, when I'll meet her again and there will finally be no shadow at all.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Facing Hard Things

All of us, at some point in life, will face hard things.   And by hard, I mean life-sapping, crushing, painful-beyond-imagining, hard things.   At times like these, we can look around at others, feeling bitter and angry that life’s cruel lottery has dealt us this hand and others, one that makes much better reading on Facebook.   I faced a hard thing, when my daughter, Grace, was still born at 25 weeks of pregnancy.   The road I’ve walked since has been one of doubt, hesitancy, small steps, more questions, moving forward, moving backwards, moving forward again and getting to a place of fragile healing. I was not naïve enough to think this would be my lifetime supply of ‘hard things’ and sure enough, more have come knocking – pounding down the door, in fact – in recent weeks.   None of the ‘hard things’ are yet my story to tell; they are bound up and interwoven with the lives of others, whose confidence I will not break.   It will suffice to say the...
11 comments
Read more

Remembering Grace Again

Remembering Grace Again Grace's 'birthday' comes around so quickly. Although it's now seven years ago, the unfolding narrative of that week still plays through my mind when the anniversary comes around. Each year is different and this year I feel further forward, more healed and whole than before. Rather than being on a roller coaster of emotion as it plays out, it feels more like watching an old cine film - a bit more distanced, with the volume turned down. Still there, still sad to watch but less painful, less debilitating. Professional support in moving forward (EMDR - a recognised and highly successful approach to dealing with trauma) has played a huge part in that and I would recommend it for anyone struggling with difficult, traumatic memories. The journey and ups and downs of this year are too much and too personal to write about in detail here, but I am always happy to talk further with anyone who wants to know more. Facing and dealing with traum...
5 comments
Read more

Clumsy Remembrance

My daughter was stillborn at 25 weeks of pregnancy, over the Christmas period, eight years ago. I find it so hard to commemorate her adequately, each year, amidst the bustle and chaos of the festive season. When I began to see a counsellor, two years ago, he suggested commemorating her at other times in the year, to help relieve the pressure to remember her well at Christmas - not  a season commensurate with stillness and reflection. Her 'due date', the 8th of April, seemed like a good time to do this. We all know that very few babies put in an appearance on their due date (one of mine hung on in for a full fourteen days extra, one was coaxed out at three days overdue), so this date can feel arbitrary, but gives me something to focus on, somewhere to hang my thoughts and my grief.  So today was the third time I purchased a balloon, the second attempt at releasing it (more on that in a minute).  In three years of trying this out, I've noticed some frustrating...
6 comments
Read more