Ten Years On

After our daughter Grace was stillborn, at 25 weeks of pregnancy, a midwife came to visit to check how we were doing.  I told her of our plans, for me to take the “maternity leave” that I was still entitled to, to spend time with our son, then 19 months.  Her reply took me aback – “I know it might not feel that way, but consider that time Grace’s gift to you,” she said.  Truthfully, I wanted to poke her in the eye at the time, finding it impossible to see any good in the loss we had just experienced.

Over the years, though, as the jagged edges of grief have softened and healed, I understand more, now, what she meant.  Losing Grace was one of the hardest things I have been through – but, ten years on, I can see that she has left many gifts for us in her wake.  I had a year, enjoying time with Ben, before Samuel came along.  I have a wonderful, second son, our rainbow baby who followed Grace here.  Her loss has enabled me to connect so much more with others in their struggles and losses.  In our marriage, we’ve learned to lean on each other and fight for each other.  In our family life, we value the small things, knowing how fragile they are.  I’ve learned how God holds onto us through the darkest of nights, and that hope can be a light for others.

Those are just a few examples of things I am grateful Grace brought us.  Ten years on, with much support and prayer, the pain of her loss stings less.  It still hurts, but not as acutely.  I can celebrate her and all she brought into our lives and look forward to a day when I get to celebrate with her, in person. 

I like to write something, each year, for Grace. I tried to write her a sonnet this year.  I’m not sure I succeeded, but it is at least something I can still attempt to do for my baby girl, on her tenth birthday.

As always, a heartfelt thank you to all who take time to read this, for your on-going interest, love and support.

Grace

Though grief’s once jagged edges aren’t as raw,

The memories that surface still cause pain.

The earth has travelled round the sun once more,

So forcing me to face this once again.

Decembers past, the echoes of your birth,

Resounded loud and were too hard to bear.

But deeper peace, ten years has helped unearth,

With love and tears and counselling and prayer.

Instead of pain and sadness from that night,

I think of you, a girl so full of joys,

You twirl and dance, enjoying heav’n’s delights,

With friends just like you, perfect girls and boys.

God’s perfect gift, awaiting us, above –

Looked forward to, with gratitude and love.