Unintentional Poet

If you follow my blog, you will know that we lost my sister seventeen months ago, when my nephew was just seven months old.  Today, he turns two and is a whirlwind of fun and love.  He has forced us all to keep going through some really tough times, as, too, has his big sister.  My sister would be so proud of them both.  I wanted to write a poem to celebrate him - and her continued presence in his life. Today, You Are Two Today, you are two.    I have watched you grow,    As babies do,  And marvelled,   At your perfect, quizzical face,  At your soft cheeks,  Dimpling,   As you smile   And run away,    Whenever I stoop To ask you For a hug. Every time, I catch you and you giggle. You place your head, On my shoulder, For the briefest of moments; I breathe you in - A privilege, a delight. In an instant, You are off again, Laughing and whirling; You sho...

My daughter was stillborn at 25 weeks of pregnancy, over the Christmas period, eight years ago. I find it so hard to commemorate her adequately, each year, amidst the bustle and chaos of the festive season. When I began to see a counsellor, two years ago, he suggested commemorating her at other times in the year, to help relieve the pressure to remember her well at Christmas - not  a season commensurate with stillness and reflection. Her 'due date', the 8th of April, seemed like a good time to do this. We all know that very few babies put in an appearance on their due date (one of mine hung on in for a full fourteen days extra, one was coaxed out at three days overdue), so this date can feel arbitrary, but gives me something to focus on, somewhere to hang my thoughts and my grief.  So today was the third time I purchased a balloon, the second attempt at releasing it (more on that in a minute).  In three years of trying this out, I've noticed some frustrating...

Dearest Bec I can’t believe it’s your birthday and you are not here.  Every year, I rush into town, straight after Christmas, to hit the sales and buy you something you don’t really need – not your fault you were born straight after Christmas and, after all, every girl always needs more earrings, notepads, belts, recipe books.  I can’t even remember what I bought you last year, as it was such an ‘ordinary’ thing – It didn’t feel momentous or unusual, just a sister, giving her little sister her annual birthday gift. How would I have ever guessed it would be the last one I would buy for you? I’m not sure how to cope this week as, instead of eating cake together, we scatter your ashes.  I’m not sure how you continue with normal life, go to work, talk with friends, in a week like this.  I am trying to distract myself with memories filled with you, to remind myself that I will always have these, even if I no longer have you.  So here are my favourite picture...

Today is Grace’s birthday again.     Many of you who read my blog (thank you for doing so!) will know that I write something, each year, to mark the date and celebrate her life.    For the last couple of years, I have written reflections and poems and thoughts, as a cathartic process, to help me to face this date and remember. The angel we hang on our tree, to remember Grace This year, remembering feels different again.    I mentioned, in last year’s post, the counselling I had been through and how much it had helped.    I am, by nature, sceptical of these things, until I see real ‘proof.'  I’m never entirely sure how to measure change and progress in matters of the heart and mind, but I know that, eight years on, the pain is less than it was at seven and six and five, so I keep going, trusting that healing does take time and energy and that it does get easier, in barely measurable increments. This year feels different for a coup...

It is almost 11 weeks now, since I sat with my brother-in-law, holding my sister’s hand, as she slipped away, after an intense and brave battle with a cancer that wouldn’t let go.   We have reached that point where life returns to normal for everyone else, while we wobble and teeter, trying our hardest to find a new ‘normal’ that feels nothing like normality at all.  Walking through treacle and wading in waste-high mud are the only clichéd analogies that can half-represent how some days feel, how even the ordinary things – the school run, a pile of washing up, a social occasion – can feel like it takes every ounce of strength to face. What does grief really look like?  How should it look?  In the times we live in, a lot is understood about grief.  Psychologists have researched it, books have been written about it, counsellors are trained to help people talk about it and move through it well.  We recognise the truth that no two people experienc...

Today was probably the hardest day in all our lives. Bec passed away two and a half weeks ago now, after a brave and tumultuous six months, since her cancer re-diagnosis.  We have already begun to grieve and say goodbye, but a funeral always feels like the real end. It has felt a long time coming. It has been a tough six months for us all, as a family, and we want to thank anyone who has done or said any small thing to ease our burden on this difficult journey. Below is a photo I love and a poem I wrote for the funeral. I love this photo. There is so much more I could say, and I probably will, as time goes on, but this is all I can manage for now. The photo was taken on an evening in a week when it was all getting on top of Bec. It was a Sunday night.   While Martin bathed the children, we talked and talked and cried and cried. We talked about heaven and dying, her fears of being forgotten, my promise never to ever let that happen.  I told her I would still be hoping...